


To Dwell on Dreams

by Emmawritesalot (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Guilt, POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, This is really sad you've been warned, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, but its a graveside visit, what did you expext?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25890433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Emmawritesalot
Summary: Every year on the 27th of March, Remus Lupin  visits James and Lily's graves in Godric’s Hollow.Usually, he's the only one there, so he's a little surprised to see another friend of James Potter at the grave.Sirius Black had meant to come earlier, to pay his last respects to his best friend and his wife. But the guilt was too much. Of course, it's just his luck that he comes across a familiar face hen he finally does.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	To Dwell on Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> So.  
> This idea has been floating around my head for a while. So many just decided to write it.  
> I thought it turned out well, but it made me pretty sad.  
> Ah well,  
> Happy reading!!

The cold air had not yet left the village of Godric’s Hollow, despite the fact that it was nearly April. The once abundant pure white snow had turned grey and slushy, far and in between, and Remus Lupin slipped and slid across the cobblestones as he made his way through the village, dry leaves crunching beneath his feet as he went.

He examined the tiny shops in the place, the sounds of children’s squeals of delight and cries of their exasperated parents following him as he went. He idly wondered whether or not the Potters would still be living there if they were still alive, if Harry would be wandering the shops with his mother, begging to go home, or else wasting copious amounts of time in the little broom care shop with James.

A pang of sadness hit him as he knew that’s exactly what would have happened had James and Lily not been betrayed, had they not been- but no, he reprimanded himself firmly. As Albus Dumbledore had said, it does no good to dwell on dreams. So he let all the what-ifs, all the wishes of what could have been exit his mind as he made his way to the cemetery

He had left Hogwarts just after his last class of the day, leaving a note to McGonagall telling her he would be back before dinner, though not telling her where he was going. He hoped she would understand. He was almost certain she would, she wasn’t stupid, it was probably pretty obvious, especially considering he had mysteriously left on James Potter's birthday. 

Every year on the 27th of March, Remus would visit James and Lily's graves in Godric’s Hollow. For the first few years, he went on October 31st to pay his respects, to mourn. But he couldn’t handle it. The pain of visiting them on the anniversary of their death opened up a lot of old wounds, and he eventually stopped, until Verity (a kind witch who worked at The Leaky Cauldron) told him to visit on another day that held less sadness. For some reason this had never occurred to him, and together they chose the new date for the visit: James’s birthday.

Still a day with meaning, but excluding the morbidity of it all. (or as much as one could, considering it was a graveside visit.)

As he walked, previous visions of James’s birthday floated up into his mind, and he fondly remembered sneaking to the kitchens their seventh year and getting slightly (yes, Lily, only slightly) drunk, later laughing as they were chewed out by James’s girlfriend for reckless behavior, although she was fighting her own smile, the corners of her emerald eyes crinkling.

But all happy thoughts vanished as his eyes his eyes fell upon the house in front of him.

He inhaled sharply and froze in his tracks at the sight of it. He had not intended to visit the place where James and Lily were murdered in cold blood, and it was for good reason. It brought back horrible memories of running up the front steps, only to see James’s body lying on the ground. Memories of seeing Lily collapsed against Harry’s crib, which was empty. And then memories of anger and fury that had blinded him to anything else. 

Realizing that this must have happened because of Sirius, he had vowed to find him, to make him pay. Unfortunately, Peter had gotten there first, undoubtedly filled with similar rage, and Remus Lupin had suddenly lost all three of his friends.

He was alone.

Hating himself, he jerked his head quickly. No, he would not dwell on those dreams either. And turning away from the house, trying to leave the broken feelings of friendship and misery behind, he headed for the graveyard.

\---------- 

Sirius Black was devoutly grateful he wasn't a black dog at the moment. He loved his animagus form, but even Sirius had his limits. For obvious reasons, he couldn't go as himself, so he had to transfigure himself to look completely different. 

Honestly, not even five minutes into his wanderings of Godric’s Hollow, and he had already seen at least a dozen wanted posters of his face.

He couldn’t help but smile a little, remembering when James had warned him of that slippery slope when they were 16.

_"The way you're going Padfoot, you'll be a wanted criminal by the time we graduate,"_

_"That I will. I've got you to bail me out though, won't I?"_

_"Always,"_

That last bit never worked out.

His smile vanished as the guilt washed over him once again, and he turned from the window to look at the sign behind him. He looked at the various arrows pointing in all different directions when his eyes landed on one that said “St Jerome's Graveyard." Filled with new resolve, he followed the pathway to the place where James and Lily lay.

He had meant to come earlier, to pay his last respects to his best friend and his wife. It was the first thing he had wanted to do once he got out of Azkaban, but he could never manage it. The guilt was too much. Instead, he had spent nearly a month trying to find out where Harry lived. 

Despite all her complaints about her sister and her husband, Lily had never mentioned their place of residence. Nevertheless, he tried. That was something he owed to James and Lily, to at least make sure their son was okay.

Sirius had in fact seen Harry, and felt like he had stepped back in time. He looked exactly like James, but he had Lily's green eyes. It startled him as much as he startled Harry. Before he could do anything else, Harry was on a bus to somewhere, and Sirius was left alone again. Seeing him so upset and miserable and parentless had reminded him of why he had broken out in the first place. 

So he went to find Peter. 

After all, that was his final mission Dumbledore had given him before everything fell apart. To find the spy. Well, he'd found him. 

Now he just had to kill him. 

Albeit, that wasn't the initial goal Dumbledore had charged him with, but Sirius didn't care. He answered to no one anymore.

Unfortunately, he was in a bit of a dilemma, because so far, all attempts on Wormtail's life had proven to be futile. 

He had once entered the dormitories intending to kill Peter, but the Fat Lady refused to let him in, even when Sirius had told her the truth.  
He had failed. 

The next time, a cat in the dormitory had snatched a list of passwords from a bedside table and given it to him. This time, Sirius had gotten into the into the room where he knew Peter was. But the coward wasn't there.  
Failure again.

Soon he would need to try once more, but he was running out of ideas. It had become even harder for him to get in to the school. After his last break-in, security had tightened even more. Time was running out. It didn't help that his living conditions were so bad.

He'd been laying low in the alleys of Hogsmeade, waiting for the right moment, occasionally taking food from shops and bags. He even stole a wand from an unsuspecting wizard hurrying through the snow covered streets, which had been instrumental in helping him get food. 

He also occasionally snatched newspapers from unsuspecting residents as well. Every issue had at least one article about him, and he never thought he would day this, but he was bored to death of himself.

The papers were useful in that they were the only way he could keep track of the passing of time. He had been reading one such paper this morning, and it had come as a great shock to him when he realized it was James's birthday. 

_Happy birthday Prongs,_ he had thought to himself. _I'll be there in a few minutes._

He had transfigured himself and left for Godric's Hollow at once.

And that was where he found himself now, pushing through the iron gates to find the graves of the two people he had failed.

He weaved in and out of memorials and headstones, trying to find the two graves he cared about. It took him a few more minutes, but soon he found himself standing at the graves of James and Lily Potter.

Almost at once, the world seemed to dim as he looked at the names.

"Hey James," Sirius, said quietly, then looking to the other grave, "Lily." There was no reply. He never expected one, but still. "Sorry I'm late, but I sort of got framed for murder." He laughed bitterly, blinking away unshed tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," He said. "I should've listened to you. I should've been your secret keeper. Then none of this would've happened." He swallowed and looked up from the grave. "You'd be happy and alive. Alive with Harry."

He took a deep, shuddering breath.  
"I've seen him, you know." He frowned, remembering the few times he'd seen his godson.  
"He looks exactly like you Prongs. Well I can't say exactly, because he has your eyes Lily. Really good at quidditch too." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm going to kill Peter," he said. "Maybe you don't approve, but you can't stop me. No one can. It's all I can think of to make things right." He opened his eyes again. 

"But I'm rambling. I came here because... well, it's your birthday James." He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a tiny bottle of firewhiskey.  
"Happy birthday Prongs," he muttered, placing the bottle on the ground. 

‐---------

Remus got within 20 feet of James and Lily's graves when he stopped in is tracks. 

There was already someone there. He was bending low, placing a bottle on the snow cover ground where they lay. He moved closer to him, and when he was a few feet away he opened his mouth. 

"Who are you?" Probably not the nicest thing to say when someone was mourning at a grave. 

The man jumped up and whirled around. When his eyes met Remus's, they widened in shock. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. 

Remus frowned. "Do I- do I know you?" He asked. The man coughed and shook his head quickly. 

"No," he said, "unless- unless you know anyone named William Goodman. 

"I don't," Remus replied, still a bit skeptical. There was something about the way the man held himself, the very subtle sarcastic edge to his voice. He may have been able to come to a conclusion, but the man (apparently William) spoke. 

"Hey," he said concernedly, "are you okay mate?" Remus jerked his head quickly.

"Yes," he said. "I'm fine. It's just..." Remus broke off and looked at the graves below their feet. "How did you know them?" He asked softly. William let out a sharp laugh and looked at the grave.

"James was... a childhood friend. I used to live by him." He turned back to the headstone and said nothing else. Remus frowned.

"I'd been to the Potter's for years, ever since I was 11. How come I never saw you?" William shook his head solemnly.

"You wouldn't have," he said, eyes still on the grave. "We moved when I was about 10. Kept in contact until he went to Hogwarts." Remus raised his eyebrows. 

"You're a wizard?"

William's eyes flitted away from the grave to meet Remus's eyes and back again. 

"Squib," he muttered. "Never got to go to school."

Remus was silent as he pondered this 

"How come he never mentioned you," he asked. "James wasn't one to forget a friend." _It's part of what got him killed,_ Remus thought bitterly.

William sighed. "We kept in contact until I was about 13. Stopped sending me letters. I think he picked up a couple of friends at Hogwarts." Remus had nothing to say to this, so they fell into an uncomfortable silence for several long moments. 

"What about you," William asked. "How did you know James?" Remus gulped, and it felt as if he was reliving every moment with his best friends in five seconds.

He remembered James telling him they didn't care he was a werewolf.

He remembered sneaking to the kitchens once a week under James's invisibility cloak. 

He remembered late night cramming sessions before an exam, food provided by Peter, eventually falling asleep and waking to sunlight pouring in from the windows.

He remembered when James, Sirius and Peter told him he wouldn't be alone on the full moon anymore. 

He remembered when Lily had finally agreed to go out with James, and how enthusiastic he had been.

He remembered the day they graduated, joining the Order of the Phoenix and promising to stay together.

"We- we were friends at school," he said simply, pushing the thoughts away.

William looked up at him curiously.  
"What's your name?" He asked. 

"Remus Lupin." William paused, looked like he was going to say something, but instead knelt down and touched the gravestone. 

"They were so young," he muttered. "They had their whole lives ahead of them."

"William-"

"It isn't fair," he said, his voice shaking. "And just because one _coward_ couldn't-"  
He he broke off and met Remus's eyes, and he was taken aback to see a familiar glint of fury in William's eyes. 

"I'm going to find him Remus," he said. "I'm going to find the person who killed our best friend." He stood up and whirled away, hurrying across the cemetery. Remus watched him go, surprised and confused at William's sudden departure. 

"Our best frie-" And then it dawned on him. The way the man had said those words, the way he had said Remus's name had connected the pieces. He knew exactly where he had seen "William" And then white-hot anger filled him, blinding him to all reason. 

"SIRIUS!" he bellowed at the top of his voice, whipping out his wand.

He wasn't that far away from him, and Sirius froze where he stood. He turned to face him, and the deadly look that Remus expected to see wasn't there. Instead, a sad smile was spread across his face. 

"I had hoped you wouldn't recognize me," he said.

"Why?" Remus asked coolly. "Didn't want to have to kill another "friend" did you? Azkaban's made you soft?" Sirius's transformation was wearing off, and Remus took him in. The once boyish, happy face was gone. Instead, a hollow, miserable one was looking back at him.

"I'm so sorry Remus," he said. "I wish I could..." he shook his head, as if to clear it. "But no. Now isn't the time. You'll understand soon, I promise."

"I understand everything already!" Remus snarled. "You were the spy. And because of you," He thrust his wand in Sirius's direction, "James and Lily are dead!"

"Don't you think I know that?" Sirius asked pleadingly. "Don't you know that- I hate myself every day. I made the worst mistake of my life, and because of it..." He trailed off, closing his eyes and pulling out his own wand.

"You're right Remus, it is my fault." He took a deep breath and took out his own wand, and devastation and anguish was etched in every line of his face as he said, "Just not in the way that you think."

Then he flicked his wand, and suddenly, Remus couldn't see a thing. "Sirius!" Remus bellowed, rubbing his eyes, "Come back and fight you coward!" But it was too late. By the time the darkness had ebbed away, Sirius was gone. "Sirius," Remus said, this time in a near whisper. He slumped against a nearby tree and put his face in his hands. "We trusted you. We were your friends, your _family."_ He wished things were different. He wished they were still alive. Wished that Harry knew him as uncle Moony instead of Professor Lupin. He wished that he could pull one final laugh with the rest of the Marauders, that he could hear Lily scold them one more time. He even found himself wishing for Sirius's friendship once more. Sometimes the dreams just can't be ignored. 

\----------

Miles away, in a little cave in the mountains, Sirius stares at a photograph in his hands and vows to destroy the rat once and for all.

"I'll get him, James," He whispered. "For all of us.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this!  
> Comments/Reviews are appreciated.  
> Thanks!!


End file.
